I want to make a zoo with you.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
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I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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