I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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