this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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