Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Randomize
