i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
