You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Randomize
