I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
