you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
