i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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