Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
