Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
ttyl tear gas
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
