I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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