Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
