I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
