this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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