Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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