Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
