matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
He better not be in your backpack
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
