i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
