So I think I might still secretly love him despite the ass licking...
Hey ass licking is a very nice and intimate thing! Don't discredit your feelings
But what if he licks everyones ass?
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Two words: nipple clamps
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