Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.

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(630): View more from Illinois

all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed

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(310): View more from California

He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....

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(424): View more from California

you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.

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(425): View more from Washington

When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats

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