The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
