ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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