Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
