What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
