cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
