RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
