i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
The Olympian is in my bed
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
