i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
