A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
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