You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Threesome in a minivan. New low
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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