Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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