This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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