Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Randomize
