its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
