i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
