he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
