My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
