Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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