I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
