Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
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