If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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