I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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