Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Randomize
