Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
