Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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