I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
