The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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