those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
