So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
