Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Randomize
