Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Randomize
