i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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