smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
