She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
