I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
