fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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