we have officially lost it.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
